Body Slam

Body Slam (1987)

Wham, bam, thank you, Body Slam

It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I most certainly do not feel fine.

Every four years, the world gathers to witness the majesty of the summer Olympic Games. But the world’s biggest stage will never be the same after it was announced that starting in 2020, in all likelihood, wrestling will no longer be an Olympic event.

That’s right, wrestling, one of the oldest sports known to man will not be a part of future Olympic games. However, they will still award equestrian medals – presumably to horses, since they are doing all the work. No fretting, Popeye, as sailing will still be included. As will synchronized swimming. Not to mention the other 30 or so variations of swimming which are included in the event. Who cares how you are getting from one end to the other, as long as you do it? How much hardware does Michael Phelps need?

Olympic wrestling had provided some incredible moments, like the time in 1976 when France’s Andre The Giant tossed Japan’s Mr. Fuji completely off the wrestling mats and into the third row of spectators en route to capturing the gold medal, while his mother Stella The Giant looked on in tears. I’ll never forget the 1984 Olympics when U.S.A. representative Hulk Hogan (accompanied by Ronald Reagan and Sylvester Stallone) single-handedly ended the Cold War with his victory over the Russian Bear. No, that was not a nickname. Russia’s wrestling team that year was captained by a grizzly bear.

Sadly, many have forgotten these moments. If you do a quick Google search, you’ll be hard pressed to find any recollections of these events – hell, you might even find contradictory information.

Thankfully, wrestling will always live on through film. Legendary films such as Nacho Libre and No Holds Barred should be viewed by the International Olympic Committee before any rash decisions are made. As should the film I’ll be taking a look at this week – Body Slam.

Dirk Benedict (The A-Team, Battlestar Galactica) portrays M. Harry Smilac, a music promoter who has seen better days. He has one floundering act, and is up to his ears in debt. However, in a case of art imitating life, the worlds of rock ’n’ roll and wrestling unite to raise Smilac’s career out of the doldrums.

In a case of mistaken identity, Smilac signs Quick Rick Roberts (“Rowdy” Roddy Piper) and Tonga Tom (Sam Fatu, a.k.a. The Tonga Kid), thinking they are musicians. The only beautiful music these two are making is inside the wrestling ring, where they are top contenders to the prestigious tag team championship.

Once he realizes his mistake, Smilac decides to stick to his guns, because music simply wasn’t paying the bills. But Smilac is not exactly welcomed into the wrestling business with open arms. Legendary professional wrestling manager Captain Lou Albano takes on the challenging role of legendary professional wrestling manager Captain Lou Murano. Captain Lou is a despicable character whose Cannibals team puts Smilac and his tandem on the shelf.

Now injured and basically blackballed from the major leagues by Murano, Smilac decides to take his wrestling duo on the road with his only musical act. The Rock ’n’ Wrestling connection is a huge success, leading to a winners-take-all battle between the forces of good and evil.

Body Slam is a beautifully acted and tremendously written look at what the stars of sports entertainment really go through. It is everything the 2008 film The Wrestler should have been. Wrestling icons Bruno Sammartino and Ric Flair make cameos. As does renowned comedian Charles Nelson Reilly, and Billy Barty, the greatest under 4-foot tall actor who ever lived (sorry, Tom Cruise). For the second time in his career, Dirk Benedict was a member of an A-Team as part of this stellar cast. Body Slam will have you pinned down on your sofa for its entire 89 minute duration.

Golden Raspberry Award picks

It’s finally here! The biggest day of the year for cinephiles is coming up this Saturday, as the 33rd annual Golden Raspberry Awards (a.k.a. The Razzies) will honour the top films of 2012. There are so many worthy contenders this year that it is quite difficult to predict what is going to happen. However, I was offered a stack of Arby’s coupons in exchange for penning this article, and that was an offer I simply could not refuse.

Screenplay of the year
This one absolutely has to go to Battleship. Turning a board game into a film is no easy task, as was witnessed by the abysmal Terrence Mallick directed flick Hungry, Hungry Hippos from a few years back. However, the screenwriters got it right with Battleship, and it will sink any hopes that the other contenders have of leaving with the coveted prize.

Screen Couple of the year
No doubt, this one goes to Robert Pattison and Kristen Stewart for their work in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part II. The love and devotion these two share off screen translates very well to their film work. Could wedding bells follow a Razzie win?

Supporting Actor of the year
Perhaps the toughest category. Anytime you have to choose between David Hasselhoff (Pirannha 3-DD) and Vanilla Ice (That’s My Boy), you have got a tough task ahead of you. In the end I think the Hoff’s redemption story will put Vanilla’s victory celebration on ice. Just years ago we watched videos of a shirtless, intoxicated Hasselhoff eating a cheeseburger on a hotel room floor as he rambled on drunkenly. He has truly come full circle.

Supporting Actress of the year
There are some talented women in this race (Jennifer Lopez, Brooklyn Decker), but I don’t see anyone beating Rihanna. She was excellent in Battleship, and clearly showed the same dedication to the acting craft as she exhibits with her song writing.

Actor of the year
Nicolas Cage, Eddie Murphy, Tyler Perry and Adam Sandler all in one category! Wow, the only thing that could be better is if they all starred in the same film. In the end, I think the award will go to Cage not only for his excellent work in two films (Ghost Rider 2: Spirit of Vengeance & Seeking Justice), but also as recognition for a stellar career.

Actress of the year
Katherine Heigl, Milla Jovovich, Kristen Stewart, Barbra Streisand and Tyler Perry in Drag. No, this isn’t just a recap of the erotic dream I had last night, these are the lead actress nominees. Tough choice, but never bet against Barbra Streisand. Unless she is in a boxing match with Evander Holyfield, as I learned the hard way.

Picture of the year
It was a banner year for films, but only one film can take home the hardware. This year despite the best efforts of sexy werewolves and vampires, the hilarious hijinx of Adam Sandler, and warring battleships, the top prize will go to Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure. If you have not seen this interactive children’s film (and judging from its $1 million dollar gross you likely haven’t), do yourself a favour and see it ASAP. I think a win here will certainly help not only recoup the film’s entire $60 million dollar budget, but also get the wheels in motion for some sequels.

I Think We’re Alone Now

I Think We’re Alone Now (2008)

The greatest love

“I think we’re alone now,
There doesn’t seem to be anyone around”

Not so fast, 1980s popstar Tiffany. For you are never alone, as long as you have your legions of fans following you – literally following you, in some cases.

Valentine’s Day season is upon us, and the central theme of that day is love. There are so many types of love. Romantic love, of course. The love between a parent and child. The love between a man and his McChicken sandwich. However, I feel there is no greater love than the one that exists between a celebrity and their stalker. The incredible documentary I Think We’re Alone Now documents this bond between star and obsessed fan. In this case, the star is the aforementioned Tiffany.

Some of you may be unaware of who Tiffany is. Basically she is The Beatles, if there was only one member, who was a female who had two hit songs, and performed almost exclusively at shopping malls. Maybe Britney Spears or Justin Bieber may have been a more apt comparison, but no, I went right for The Beatles.

Tiffany hit the big time in the late ’80s with her remake of the classic song “I Think We’re Alone Now,” and her cover of “I Saw Her Standing There” by The Beatles – wow, they do have so much in common. Since then, her career has reached even greater heights. In recent years she has posed for Playboy, become a contestant on Hulk Hogan’s Celebrity Championship Wrestling, and starred in the motion picture Mega Python vs. Gatoroid. That last credit leads me to believe this won’t be the last article I pen featuring Tiffany.

So with such an illustrious body of work, it is no shock that Tiffany would command extreme devotion to her by some fans. I Think We’re Alone Now takes a look at two of her most ardent admirers.

We are first introduced to Jeff Turner, a man in his 50s who suffers from Asperger syndrome. Jeff has a long history with Tiffany, punctuated by the time he attempted to present her with flowers… and a sword, which is an ancient Japanese custom. (And I thought Valentine’s Day was expensive in North America!) After this and several other warning signs, Tiffany was able to get a restraining order against Jeff. However, Jeff has an ace in the hole. He is in possession of a helmet that he can don and instantly connect telepathically with the singer. I also have one of these helmets, but I really only use it to avoid paying a phone bill. I never even thought about using it to try to connect to stars of the 1980s. Molly Ringwald, prepare to be contacted.

We also meet Kelly McCormick, a transgender individual who is Tiffany’s BFF. Oh, sure, they have never actually had a face to face encounter, but how many of your Facebook “friends” have you ever met in the flesh?

Kelly’s lifelong dream comes true thanks to Jeff, who facilitates an introduction between the two. Time has healed wounds between Jeff and Tiffany, as the singer now interacts (albeit with great caution) with her super fan at the many concerts and conventions he attends. So all’s well that ends well.

Not only can Jeff now be within 50 feet of his favourite pop star, but he has found a new love. For though it could’ve been so beautiful, could’ve been so right between the two, another young lady has caught Jeff’s eye. Who’s The Boss and Charmed star Alyssa Milano became the new object of Jeff’s affection, and she signed some papers as a result – but it was not a marriage license.

So this Valentine’s Day, whether you have already won the heart of the love of your life, or you are merely in the rifling through their garbage/Facebook stalking phase, here’s hoping that one day you will be running just as fast as you can, holdin’ on to one another’s hand as you head to your local video retailer to grab your copy of I Think We’re Alone Now.

Cleanflix (2009)

Cleanflix (2009)

Taking the filth out of film

This week I’ll be reviewing a fascinating documentary called Cleanflix, which examines several companies that popped up in the late ’90s and soared to great heights. It is a beautiful story that shows that nothing can triumph over the entrepreneurial spirit. Unless, of course, your idea is entirely based on copyright infringement.

Sex. Violence. Profanity. These are the cornerstone of a great motion picture. However, believe it or not, there are individuals out there who would prefer not to see or hear these things. One particular group that does not enjoy these elements are Mormons. According to Wikipedia, 63 per cent of the population of Utah is Mormons. So as you can imagine, video rentals for films such as Die Hard or The Bikini Car Wash Company lagged in this state.

However, several enterprising Mormons came up with a brilliant idea to not only allow Mormons to enjoy the latest Hollywood blockbusters, but to also line their pockets as well. CleanFlicks and several competing businesses began to offer edited versions of popular films. Cleanflix shows how skilled editors took out the offending bits of films such as The Matrix, The Big Lebowski, and Schindler’s List! They even took the ‘tit’ out of Titanic, modifying the famous scene where Kate Winslet posed nude for Leonardo DiCaprio. I personally found this one to be outrageous – I mean that was the most important part of the film, what else even happened in it?

This whole practice did not sit well with some Hollywood bigwigs. We hear from director Steven Soderbergh (Ocean’s 11, Traffic), who criticizes CleanFlicks and other such companies for altering his creative vision. I shudder to think what Mr. Soderbergh would think of my own personal hobby of inserting nudity into films. If you thought Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze was great, wait until you see my version, in which Angelina Jolie makes a surprise cameo where she has a shower in the middle of a battle between Donatello and Shredder.

Considering that giants such as Blockbuster didn’t manage to stick around, you probably won’t be surprised to learn that these edited movie businesses also did not stand the test of time. The Director’s Guild of America struck the first blow, and despite the best (and quite illegal) efforts of some video retailers, Mormons once again found themselves unable to enjoy the latest gangster films.

While I prefer to wallow in filth, I found myself feeling bad for the cinema-loving Mormons of the world. Sure, Cleanflix does shine a light on a great deal of hypocrisy – these people are so pure that they don’t want to see Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman canoodling in Black Swan, yet they have no qualms about shelling out their dough for an illegally produced version of these films. Still, I do feel bad that these poor folks are now forced to turn to other more bland forms of entertainment, like churning butter or watching a Utah Jazz game. If I have any Mormon readers out there, might I suggest a conversion to Roman Catholicism. You can watch anything as long as you eventually confess to it.

Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning

Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning (2012)

Van Damme and Lundgren soldier on

When one thinks of great pairings in cinematic history, certain names come to mind. Katharine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy. Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. Bob Hope and Bing Crosby. However, for my money (which I keep in a burlap sack with a dollar sign on it), there is no greater duo than Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren.

Back in 1992, Van Damme, a.k.a. “the Muscles from Brussels,” sprouted onto the big screen in Universal Soldier, alongside Sweden’s finest non-meatball or bikini team export Dolph Lundgren. Luc Deveraux (Van Damme) and Andrew Scott (Lundgren) portrayed two deceased soldiers who are re-animated and turned into the ultimate killing machines.

There have been six films in the Universal Soldier franchise. Entries two through four are not considered part of the cannon, and thus not really essential viewing. I have only seen the first film (two decades ago), and now this latest installment, and didn’t find myself lost at all. So there is no need to track down all six films and stage a 10-hour Universal Soldier marathon this weekend. Although that does sound like a good time. I wonder if Mrs. Connoisseur would go for that.

Twenty years after the first installment, Van Damme and Lundgren (who also teamed up recently in The Expendables 2) are reunited in Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning. With a cast that also includes rising action star Scott Adkins (The Expendables 2, Zero Dark Thirty) and former UFC Heavyweight champion Andrei “The Pitbull” Arlovski, you can rest assured that Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning delivers plenty of bang for your buck.

Adkins portrays the hero of the film, John. The film starts in a shocking manner, as John’s wife and daughter are murdered by the hero of the previous entries, Luc Deveraux. John embarks on a mission to avenge their death by tracking down the man responsible. Along the way he is pursued by a new breed of UniSol (Arlovski) who is one of the most ferocious villains I have ever seen. Reminiscent of the T-1000 in Terminator 2, it makes sense that someone with the nickname “The Pitbull” and a storied history in mixed martial arts would be asked to take on the role. I mean, I’m sure Dame Judy Dench was the first choice, but Arlovski isn’t a bad second option.

Deveraux and the rest of the genetically engineered solders hang out in the ultimate man cave, an underground lair where impromptu fights break out to eliminate the dead weight. John eventually comes face to face with the man who ruined his life. But along the way, he comes to some startling realizations about himself that add an extra layer of intrigue to the story.

Although Van Damme and Lundgren are the two most prominently promoted names attached to this film, it really isn’t their film. The aforementioned Adkins and Arlovski both receive far more screen time. I know that it makes good business sense to tout the names of the two biggest stars attached to the project, and it also makes sense to feature these younger actors. Let’s face it, Jean- Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren won’t be around forever. Oh sure, they will live forever in our hearts and minds, in the songs people will compose about them, and the words that poets will scribe regarding their magnificence. However, until scientists get off their duffs and figure out a way to keep these two action icons alive forever, the torch will need to be passed to a new generation of soldiers. But even though I understand the reasoning behind it, I still was disappointed by the sparing use of Van Damme and Dolph. Luckily the special features include separate interviews with the two, as well as discussions with Adkins and the film’s director, John Hyams.

Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning will no doubt be universally loved by fans of both the stars and of the previous installments. The film just arrived on home video, so march to your nearest retailer to grab your copy today.

Barbie: The Princess and the Popstar

Barbie: The Princess and the Popstar (2012)

Enthusiastic about fantastic plastic classic

It is that time of the year when film critics put together their lists of the top films released the previous year. This all leads to the culmination in February when the Academy Awards are handed out. In 2012, the Oscars turned this film reviewer into a grouch when they honoured The Artist. Come on, that film featured neither colour nor sound! That’s like giving the Prostitute of the Year award to a streetwalker who only gives hugs.

I have confidence this year, however, that the Academy will make good after this gaffe and award their highest prize to a film that featured plenty of audio and an abundance of colour to a film that is, in this reviewer’s opinion, the best film released in 2012. On February 24, prepare to hear “and the Oscar goes to… Barbie: The Princess and the Popstar.”

Barbie: The Princess and the Popstar is the 23rd Barbie film, putting it just shy of the James Bond franchise – in quantity that is, certainly not in quality. The film is based on a work by Mark Twain, which likely will lead to him finally getting some respect 100 years after his passing.

This latest Barbie installment tells the tale of two young women who seem to have it all. Tori is the princess of the enchanted land of Meribella, and unlike members of Britain’s Royal Family, she isn’t likely to be photographed with her bits and pieces on display for the world to see. Keira is a chart-topping pop star who has performed across the globe.

Now it may sound like these two have it made. I mean, what woman (or man, for that matter) wouldn’t love being a princess or pop star with exorbitant wealth, a lavish wardrobe and probably a free subscription to HBO?

However, these two young women are not fulfilled. Tori is tired of the seemingly pointless ceremonies she has to attend, and never gets to truly be herself, always putting on airs under the watchful eyes of her controlling aunt. She dreams of a life away from the kingdom, and wishes she could be like her favourite singer, Keira.

Keira, likewise, is down in the dumps. Sure, her albums are selling like hotcakes – actually, much better than hotcakes; I mean, I don’t know a single person who has ever bought a hotcake. But despite her hotcake-dwarfing sales, Keira doesn’t have time to do what she really loves: composing music. Like starlets such as Britney Spears and Rihanna, it’s about the music to Keira, but she is being pulled in every direction by management and doesn’t have the time to sit down and write some new ditties.

So when Keira and Tori meet up one day, they magically change places and are able to live the life they dream of, if just for a short while. But, spoiler alert, they both come to realize that the grass is not always greener on the other side.

This is just an outstanding film for all ages. I watched the film with my two young children, and it was hard to say who enjoyed it more, although I was clearly doing the most clapping and pointing at the screen. Afterwards we discussed it, and I commented that the film contains a wonderful message for children, and also puts both the foibles of the monarchy and the music industry under the microscope. My four-year-old responded that she liked Keira’s dog, while my one-year-old simply said “woof” and then soiled himself. Rumour has it that renowned film critic Roger Ebert had the exact same response to the film.

I cannot wait to see Barbie get up on stage to accept the Best Picture Oscar for Barbie: The Princess and the Popstar. She might be the least plastic-looking person who attends the ceremony.

A Christmas Story 2

A Christmas Story 2 (2012)

A Christmas miracle

Millions groaned simultaneously when it was announced earlier this year that there would be a direct-to-video sequel to the 1983 film A Christmas Story. And I can’t say that I blame said groaners. As I explained in a previous review titled “A Christmas bore-y,” the 1983 original film about parents who buy a gun for their scheming 10-year-old boy was an atrocious piece of work that has sullied the fine holiday of Christmas for the past three decades.

So I was none too eager to give A Christmas Story 2 a look-see. I reluctantly slipped the movie into my VHS, and then into my DVD player once that didn’t work. My expectations were quite low, but like the birth of a certain baby 2,000 years ago in Bethlehem, a miracle occurred. Despite being based on a story by the same author, and featuring most of the same characters, A Christmas Story 2 succeeds in every way that the original failed.

A Christmas Story 2 takes place five years after the events of the first film. Much has changed, with main character Ralphie developing an interest in girls and cars as opposed to BB guns. But one thing that hasn’t changed is the comical cheapskate tendencies of Ralphie’s father, simply known as The Old Man.

Daniel Stern (City Slickers, Home Alone) takes over the role of Ralphie’s dad, and is the best part of this spectacular movie. He continues his battle with his archrival – the family’s faulty furnace – but also develops a new obsession: ice fishing. When a butcher has the gall to charge 40¢/pound for the family’s turkey dinner, The Old Man balks, and decides to spend day after day trying to catch the family an alternative feast.

Ralphie too is up to his old tricks, trying to plant the seeds for his parents to buy him his dream car for Christmas. But Ralphie’s adoration of this car leads him to damaging it while it is still at the lot, and he must engage in a series of hilarious escapades in order to raise the astronomical sum of $85 to pay off a cranky car dealer.

A Christmas Story 2 did not just go straight to home video. It also went straight to my heart. I am so pleased that in a few years we will no longer be subjected to 24-hour marathons of the wretched original film, and instead families can gather around the tube on Christmas Day, and spend their time not talking to one another while they watch this film and eat turkey. Or perhaps as The Old Man suggested, they could eat fish. Cod bless us, everyone!