Wham, bam, thank you Kazaam!
It is that time of the year when the stars of the NBA hit the hard court and battle it out to determine who gets the opportunity to win the coveted Larry O’Brien trophy.
One star will shine brighter than all the rest in this Connoisseur’s opinion, and that star is Shaquille O’Neal, the seven-foot tall centre for the Miami Heat. While he may have some trouble sinking free throws, this giant does many things well. Here for example are the top five things he excels at:
5. Maintaining law and order: Shaq has served as a reserve police officer in both L.A. and Miami. This man could single handedly deal with Lindsay Lohan’s crime spree.
4. Reproducing: By the time he reached his early thirties, he was a father of six. That’s a lot of slam-dunks.
3. Shaming fat kids: As the host of “Shaq’s Big Challenge,” O’Neal shamed six obese children to lose a combined 300 pounds. If you count the two kids who died, that would be almost 900 pounds.
2. Play basketball: he has won four NBA championships, scored over 25,000 points, and is generally considered to be one of the all-time greats. There is only one thing he does better…
1. Act: Never has an athlete excelled at making the jump to the silver screen like Shaq (despite what I may have written in previous articles about movies that have starred athletes). Freddy Got Fingered, Scary Movie 4, Good Burger – now that’s a hell of a body of work. This week I’ll be reviewing his finest work, Kazaam.
In Kazaam, Shaq plays a genie who is released after thousands of years by a boy from ‘da hood. Unlike most genies, Kazaam isn’t contained within a lamp. Instead he is held within a boom box. Also unlike most genies, Kazaam can rap. Kazaam unleashes this full throttle rap attack on Max, the boy he unleashed him.
“Who dare to wake me? Ain’t gonna mame this a mystery. Don’t wanna do time on your wishes three. Watch it, boy! You don’t want to dis me! Or I’ll dish out my misery. Now, who’s that sorry wanna-be that disturbed my z’s?”
Kazaam must grant young Max three wishes, and cannot be free until he does so. Unfortunately for our hero the genie, things are not simple.
Max is going through problems at home. His father abandoned his family when Max was two, and when Max tracks him down, he finds out he is up to some nefarious deeds. Max’s mom is going to marry a new man, one who treats Max very well, but Max keeps pushing away.
Growing up can be tough. Being a kid can be tough too sometimes, can’t it? Sometimes though, kids are just jerks. I believe that is the case with this Max character. He’s a very unlikable little fellow.
Luckily, every time Max tried to drive up the lane with his bad attitude, big Kazaam jumps up, blocks his negativity, as if to say, “Oh no you di’int! Don’t you be bringing that junk into my house.” In other words, Shaquille O’Neal’s acting prowess more than makes up for the shortcomings of the rest of the cast.
If I had a genie, and he granted me three wishes, I would first wish that everyone else in the world saw this movie, so they could experience the same joy that I did. I would then wish for a sequel. Finally, I would wish for a free ticket to that sequel.
But I don’t necessarily need a genie for all you people to go see this film. Amazon, Best Buy, the Family Channel can all act as metaphorical genies, and you can metaphorically rub their lamps so you can experience this superior cinematic achievement.