Sex Hex

Sex Hex (2007)

One Hex of a good movie

It’s that time of year again, when we are visited by ghouls, goblins, witches, slutty nurses, and of course vampires. The latter is the subject of the truly terrifying film I will be reviewing this week, Sex Hex.

Sex Hex opens with nudity. That’s right, 29 seconds after hitting play there is already nudity, breaking a record previously held by both Sex Vixens From Uranus and Babe 2: Pig in the City.

We first meet Carl (Clancy Fitzsimmons), who has recently opened up his own vampire hunting business. He calls the police to ask them to refer all vampire related crimes to him. He then begins to randomly call people from the phonebook. Neither of these methods meets with much success. Telephone sales are hard in this economy.

Sex Hex DVD box artFrom there we meet Diane (Sabrina Faire), who at first appears to be nothing more than your average, run-of-the-mill sexy office worker. We see Diane escorting a potential new employee into the boss’ office for an interview. This falls under the category of ordinary office happenings. That is until Diane shoots a laser beam out of her eyes, and the boss and interviewee strip down and start making out for several minutes. Incredible! I didn’t know vampires could shoot lasers out of their eyes!

It turns out that Diane is no ordinary young woman. She is a lesbian vampire who enjoys watching the company’s other female employees seduce one another. While this obviously results in some sexy shenanigans, tragedy usually occurs as well. In this case, the interviewee dies.

A few minutes later, two more female employees strip and go at it, before perishing. It is at this point that I am beginning to suspect that I am watching what is referred to in the industry as a “dirty movie.”

Diane the vampire takes her boss to see a sexy psychiatrist to discuss the grisly lesbian encounter she took part in earlier. The psychiatrist is quite scantily clad, and appears to be more interested in hanky panky than resolving deep psychological issues. Needless to say, we get more sex, and more death.

Carl the vampire hunter finally reappears at this point, visiting the company where all this savagery is ensuing. He is greeted by Diane, who tries to throw him off the trail by subtly seducing him, doing things like bending over, and taking off her top. Carl is able to deduce that she is a vampire, and flees from the premises to hatch a plot.

A little while passes, and another female enters the office. Diane is still sitting topless at the front desk. This is one laid back company. Oh, they make love.

Diane hasn’t forgotten about Carl at this point however. She tries to slow him down by using a voodoo doll. Laser eyes, voodoo, this vampire does everything, short of sucking blood.

With all her superiors being knocked off by vicious, lesbian vampire induced sex, Diane finds herself becoming the boss. This doesn’t sit well with one female employee, who can’t see what Diane has done to earn such a lofty promotion. This leads to more girl-on-girl action – but not death, as Carl the vampire hunter comes to the rescue. This leads to one titanic battle between good and evil that will have you on the edge of your seat.

As Carl the vampire hunter, Fitzsimmons is truly brilliant. His comedic, bumbling performance is reminiscent of Peter Sellers in the Pink Panther films and Leslie Nielsen in the Naked Gun series. On a side note, if I am ever put into the witness relocation program, I want my named changed to Clancy Fitzsimmons. Wait, forget I said that.

Many people associate the legendary actor Béla Lugosi with silver screen vampires. Well, once those same people see Sex Hex, they are going to forget all about Lugosi, and start singing the praises of the film’s star, Sabrina Faire. She’s fairly new to the business. Her only other role was in the movie Kinky Kong, a King Kong spoof which declares that the “Eighth wonder of the word likes to watch.” Why have I not reviewed this film? Anyways, keep your eyes on Faire, who is going to rack up many awards.

Sex Hex is a truly uplifting film. Not only does it feature a female character who is a lesbian, but she is a powerful woman to boot. Diane the sexy vampire breaks through the glass ceiling and becomes head of some generic company that offers some sort of product or service. This is a film that all women, regardless of sexual orientation should see. It is also a film that all men should see for reasons that I have previously outlined. At 76 minutes in length, it’s also a quick view. Plus, if you fast forward through all the nudity, it will only take you seven minutes. Don’t be tricked into watching any other vampire offering this Halloween – Sex Hex is the ultimate treat.

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