I Think We’re Alone Now

I Think We’re Alone Now (2008)

The greatest love

Jeff Turner has attended Tiffany concerts since 1988

“I think we’re alone now,
There doesn’t seem to be anyone around”

Not so fast, 1980s popstar Tiffany. For you are never alone, as long as you have your legions of fans following you – literally following you, in some cases.

Valentine’s Day season is upon us, and the central theme of that day is love. There are so many types of love. Romantic love, of course. The love between a parent and child. The love between a man and his McChicken sandwich. However, I feel there is no greater love than the one that exists between a celebrity and their stalker. The incredible documentary I Think We’re Alone Now documents this bond between star and obsessed fan. In this case, the star is the aforementioned Tiffany.

Some of you may be unaware of who Tiffany is. Basically she is The Beatles, if there was only one member, who was a female who had two hit songs, and performed almost exclusively at shopping malls. Maybe Britney Spears or Justin Bieber may have been a more apt comparison, but no, I went right for The Beatles.

Tiffany hit the big time in the late ’80s with her remake of the classic song “I Think We’re Alone Now,” and her cover of “I Saw Her Standing There” by The Beatles – wow, they do have so much in common. Since then, her career has reached even greater heights. In recent years she has posed for Playboy, become a contestant on Hulk Hogan’s Celebrity Championship Wrestling, and starred in the motion picture Mega Python vs. Gatoroid. That last credit leads me to believe this won’t be the last article I pen featuring Tiffany.

So with such an illustrious body of work, it is no shock that Tiffany would command extreme devotion to her by some fans. I Think We’re Alone Now takes a look at two of her most ardent admirers.

We are first introduced to Jeff Turner, a man in his 50s who suffers from Asperger syndrome. Jeff has a long history with Tiffany, punctuated by the time he attempted to present her with flowers… and a sword, which is an ancient Japanese custom. (And I thought Valentine’s Day was expensive in North America!) After this and several other warning signs, Tiffany was able to get a restraining order against Jeff. However, Jeff has an ace in the hole. He is in possession of a helmet that he can don and instantly connect telepathically with the singer. I also have one of these helmets, but I really only use it to avoid paying a phone bill. I never even thought about using it to try to connect to stars of the 1980s. Molly Ringwald, prepare to be contacted.

We also meet Kelly McCormick, a transgender individual who is Tiffany’s BFF. Oh, sure, they have never actually had a face to face encounter, but how many of your Facebook “friends” have you ever met in the flesh?

Kelly’s lifelong dream comes true thanks to Jeff, who facilitates an introduction between the two. Time has healed wounds between Jeff and Tiffany, as the singer now interacts (albeit with great caution) with her super fan at the many concerts and conventions he attends. So all’s well that ends well.

Not only can Jeff now be within 50 feet of his favourite pop star, but he has found a new love. For though it could’ve been so beautiful, could’ve been so right between the two, another young lady has caught Jeff’s eye. Who’s The Boss and Charmed star Alyssa Milano became the new object of Jeff’s affection, and she signed some papers as a result – but it was not a marriage license.

So this Valentine’s Day, whether you have already won the heart of the love of your life, or you are merely in the rifling through their garbage/Facebook stalking phase, here’s hoping that one day you will be running just as fast as you can, holdin’ on to one another’s hand as you head to your local video retailer to grab your copy of I Think We’re Alone Now.

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