Golden Raspberry Award picks

The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure

It’s finally here! The biggest day of the year for cinephiles is coming up this Saturday, as the 33rd annual Golden Raspberry Awards (a.k.a. The Razzies) will honour the top films of 2012. There are so many worthy contenders this year that it is quite difficult to predict what is going to happen. However, I was offered a stack of Arby’s coupons in exchange for penning this article, and that was an offer I simply could not refuse.

Screenplay of the year
This one absolutely has to go to Battleship. Turning a board game into a film is no easy task, as was witnessed by the abysmal Terrence Mallick directed flick Hungry, Hungry Hippos from a few years back. However, the screenwriters got it right with Battleship, and it will sink any hopes that the other contenders have of leaving with the coveted prize.

Screen Couple of the year
No doubt, this one goes to Robert Pattison and Kristen Stewart for their work in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part II. The love and devotion these two share off screen translates very well to their film work. Could wedding bells follow a Razzie win?

Supporting Actor of the year
Perhaps the toughest category. Anytime you have to choose between David Hasselhoff (Pirannha 3-DD) and Vanilla Ice (That’s My Boy), you have got a tough task ahead of you. In the end I think the Hoff’s redemption story will put Vanilla’s victory celebration on ice. Just years ago we watched videos of a shirtless, intoxicated Hasselhoff eating a cheeseburger on a hotel room floor as he rambled on drunkenly. He has truly come full circle.

Supporting Actress of the year
There are some talented women in this race (Jennifer Lopez, Brooklyn Decker), but I don’t see anyone beating Rihanna. She was excellent in Battleship, and clearly showed the same dedication to the acting craft as she exhibits with her song writing.

Actor of the year
Nicolas Cage, Eddie Murphy, Tyler Perry and Adam Sandler all in one category! Wow, the only thing that could be better is if they all starred in the same film. In the end, I think the award will go to Cage not only for his excellent work in two films (Ghost Rider 2: Spirit of Vengeance & Seeking Justice), but also as recognition for a stellar career.

Actress of the year
Katherine Heigl, Milla Jovovich, Kristen Stewart, Barbra Streisand and Tyler Perry in Drag. No, this isn’t just a recap of the erotic dream I had last night, these are the lead actress nominees. Tough choice, but never bet against Barbra Streisand. Unless she is in a boxing match with Evander Holyfield, as I learned the hard way.

Picture of the year
It was a banner year for films, but only one film can take home the hardware. This year despite the best efforts of sexy werewolves and vampires, the hilarious hijinx of Adam Sandler, and warring battleships, the top prize will go to Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure. If you have not seen this interactive children’s film (and judging from its $1 million dollar gross you likely haven’t), do yourself a favour and see it ASAP. I think a win here will certainly help not only recoup the film’s entire $60 million dollar budget, but also get the wheels in motion for some sequels.

One thought on “Golden Raspberry Award picks

  1. This is one of the funniest articles I’ve ever read!

    I have seen all of the films mentioned. My Golden Razzie would have to go to That’s My Boy. Adam Sandler is just… just awful.

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