The Room

The Room (2003)

No Room for improvement

The Room

Martin Scorsese. Steven Spielberg. Dan Aykroyd. Hulk Hogan. Jenna Jameson. All people who have contributed greatly to the motion picture industry, and have attempted, with varying degrees of success, to make the perfect film. Well, these fine artists can stop now. Cinematic perfection has been achieved, and it happened all the way back in 2003. That is when a remarkable being known as Tommy Wiseau directed, produced, wrote and starred in an astounding motion picture known as The Room.

Wiseau portrays Johnny, who can best be described as the love child of Gene Simmons and Fabio. Yes, I do understand that Fabio and Mr. Simmons could not have fathered a child together. Obviously, they both have had vasectomies, otherwise they would have produced thousands of offspring.

Johnny is a successful banker and all around great guy. He has basically adopted an 18-year-old boy named Denny, setting him up in his own apartment, and offering to pay his tuition for him. He also treats his fiancée Lisa like gold, regularly bedding her while rubbing roses down her naked body, surrounded by candles. They have two steamy sex scenes in the first half-hour of the film. Just take a look at this dialogue that exhibits the chemistry between the two:

Lisa: Do you want me to order a pizza?

Johnny: Whatever, I don’t care.

Lisa: I already ordered a pizza.

Johnny: You think about everything, ha ha ha.

It’s like something out a Harlequin romance novel. Unfortunately for Johnny, Lisa actually has three sex scenes during the first half-hour, as she is also sleeping with Johnny’s best friend Mark.

Lisa reveals to her mother – and anyone else who will listen – that she has no feelings for Johnny. However, she likes the financial freedom that being with Johnny provides, so decides to continue stringing him along while continuing her fling with his best pal. Poor Johnny continues to spend a small fortune on roses and candles.

The passionate love triangle, and the paranoia it breeds, is the meat of this film, but The Room is filled with so much more. Specifically, football. Throughout the film, the male characters are constantly tossing footballs to one another. I swear there is more pigskin action in this film than in Remember The Titans, Rudy and The Longest Yard combined.

While Wiseau deserves kudos for his writing and directing efforts, it is in the role of actor that he truly shines in The Room. He employs a very minimalistic approach to acting. It almost appears as though he isn’t putting the slightest bit of effort into his performance, which is the true sign of a great thespian. His performance throughout the film is reminiscent of someone who has just woken up from having their wisdom teeth removed. Whatever it was that he was drawing from at the time this film was being shot was clearly working.

The Room is an unforgettable tale of love, betrayal and pickup football games. It is easy to see why a decade after its initial release, it is still selling out theatres across the world. You will certainly want to make room on your DVD shelf for The Room.

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KISS Meets The Phantom of the Park

KISS Meets The Phantom of the Park (1978)

Movie starring KISS is a can’t miss

There are a lot of people fretting these days about global warming, terrorists and deadly viruses that have the ability to wipe out millions of lives. I myself am not particularly worried. Why am I not worried, I’m going to assume you just asked? I’m not afraid because I know there is a bigger problem – evil inventors.

This global warming could cause some serious damage 100 years from now, but any day now some perverse scientist could unleash an army of killer robots or an evil weather machine. These are things that pose an immediate threat.

Thankfully there are heroes out there to protect us. No, I’m not referring to the politicians. I’m not referring to the police. I’m not even referring to The Police. I’m referring to a far more powerful band – KISS!

KISS Meets The Phantom of the ParkIn the 1978 film KISS Meets The Phantom of the Park, Gene Simmons, Ace Frehley, Paul Stanley and Peter Criss team up to take on Abner Deveraux, the engineer at a theme park called Magic Mountain. Abner has secretly created a procedure to turn humans into robots that will do his bidding. Clearly this film was a major influence on Robocop, which was released a decade later.

When the owner of the theme park notices that Abner is acting erratically, he decides to cut some of Abner’s funding, and use the extra money to bring KISS in to perform a concert. Abner is eventually fired altogether when the owner blames him after some hooligans take over the park.

Abner is none to pleased by any of this, and puts his evil cyborgs to work in an attempt to put the kibosh on the KISS concert. He creates his own robotic version of KISS, kidnaps the real band and programs the fake band to perform instead. This leads to rioting in the park. This is all very similar to the situation that took place about five years ago when Axel Rose unleashed a new version of Guns ‘n’ Roses.

Unfortunately for Abner, he’s not just facing a bunch of ordinary musicians. He’s facing a rockin’ group of superheroes. Each member of the band has an alter ego that possesses great abilities, which allow him to battle the forces of evil.

Gene Simmons’ alter ego is The Demon, who has great strength and the ability to breath fire. Paul Stanley, a.k.a Starchild, can shoot lasers out of his eyes. These lasers give him the ability to control minds and hear distant conversations, much like the Whisper 2000. Ace Frehley, who goes by the moniker Space Ace, also can shoot lasers, and has the ability to teleport himself to another location. Finally Peter Criss has incredible leaping ability, thus earning himself the name Cat Man. Criss accomplishes a rare feat in this film, despite the fact that he speaks English, they had another actor dub in his lines. Allegedly they had to stick peanut butter on the roof of his mouth to get it to look as though he was speaking.

I don’t want to give away the ending, but KISS does triumph over Abner and put an end to his robot making ways. I guess I did kind of give away the ending. Don’t let that deter you from seeking out a copy. Unfortunately it has never been released on DVD, and was only released on VHS for a short time in the 1980s. If you don’t happen to have access to a De Lorean, you can watch it on Youtube. It is cut into several parts, and the great thing is that it really doesn’t matter what order you watch them in.

I think this is such a great film that I am going to SHOUT IT OUT LOUD!!! If you want to rock and roll all night, and also party everyday, then I cannot think of a better way to get the festivities started then by watching this film.